Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Depression

*Warning: Long post!

I don't normally talk about this but today I am.  I have suffered with anxiety and depression for about 5 years now.  It ain't pretty.  Unless you have one of these or both, you will never know what it is like.  There are really no words to describe how it feels.  And it sucks.  Bad.
Today over at Mormon Mommy Blogs she has a post that is titled, "Depression in Motherhood."  It is a very interesting post and one that I needed to read.  Being a mother isn't easy and when you add something like depression and anxiety into the mix, it's really hard.  There are days use to be days where I would not want to get out of bed, I would cry for no reason all the time, I was very irritable, and always worried about something--little stupid things that don't even matter.  It took a toll on my husband and me as well.  His idea of "fixing" the problem was "go do something you like to do like shop."  Well, it ain't that easy honey.  And he kept asking me what was wrong and I just couldn't answer that for him....or me for that matter.  I wanted to.  I really did but I didn't know myself.
I've been doing really well until recently.  Don't worry.  I know when I need to go into the doctor (thank goodness).  I can tell when I'm not myself.  So I went in and he gave me a higher dose and I've been doing much better. 
I think we, as mothers especially, tend to feel like we have to be the perfect mother.  I struggle with this a lot.  I am constantly comparing myself to other moms.  Mormon moms.  It's hard to hear things like, "I enjoy motherhood so much and it brings me so much joy" or "I just love being home with my kids all day long.  There's nothing better in the whole world!"  or "you guys aren't done right?  You guys are going to have another baby right?".  Really?  Wow, do I feel like a loser because I'm usually the first one to say that I miss working and it's the hardest job I've ever had, not to mention it's a 24/7 job.  I tend to feel like a "loser mormon mom." 
I have three kids and at one point thought that I would probably have another baby.  I don't know if it's because I felt like "it was the thing to do" or that I was being selfish if I didn't but I have come to the realization that I want to be the best mom that I can to my kids and I can't do that if I take on more than I can handle.  Pregnancy is a beautiful thing.  It really is but it is so hard on me not only physically but emotionally and it takes a toll on me mentally for a long time that, to me, it's not fair to my family.
Don't get me wrong.  I love my kids to death but  it is a sacrifice for me to be at home sometimes.  I know that they need their mom at home and I think it's very important for them to have me there with them.  I realize there will come a day when I will be missing all the stresses of being a mom to little ones. 
I want them to grow up knowing that their mom was there emotionally for them.
I want to have a close relationship with each one of them. 
I want my daughters to want to have "girls nights out" with their mom. 
I want my kids to see a loving mom. 
A fun mom. 
A spiritual mom. 
A non judgemental mom. 
A caring mom.
A HAPPY MOM.

8 comments:

  1. I think sadly enough, way more moms than you know probably suffer from depression than care to admit. Suffering from it myself, I have learned many others around me and especially mormon moms have it. I think we all put too much pressure on ourselves.
    I read your blog all the time and from what I see you are a great mom. You can only do so much and it isn't anyone elses decision.
    I get the more kid thing all the time and 3 kids is just right for me. No one else can make those decisions for us. Sorry for such a long comment. I hope you are starting to feel better. One thing I have learned is don't worry about anything but how happy you and your family are.

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  2. i"m so sorry you have this to deal with. I know from family experience that it's not fun and it's SO not easy. I love that you are taking care of yourself -- because if you don't, those precious kids don't have a mama. So do that first - -and don't worry about what anyone else is saying/doing. I was only able to have my 3 kids and it was painful when people would assume that I had 'retired' because of laziness and/or selfishness. Just hang in there, know that you are loved and all will be well.

    xoxo

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  3. I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I can relate as a *survivor* of depression for years!! I know it is so hard for our loved ones to understand when we are depressed, they feel at a loss because they can't fix it. You have to fix it yourself with the help of counseling and/or medicine or both. Sounds like you are on the right track to feeling better though. While I can't relate to being a stay at home mom, because I never was...I can say that it seems to me that you are a wonderful mother and your children are blessed to have you for a mom!
    Hang in there,
    Tracey

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  4. I love you, Miss! Thanks for giving a good insight into what so many people experience. It's MUCH more common than I would have EVER thought.

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  5. and they will.

    you are good and it's nice that you share-you take care of yourself and know your limits.
    i think age will bring you less concern with what others feel, think or say---and you will have peace with you---

    our upbringing and experiences bring different things personally to the table- we are all different-
    and it's all good.
    even the bad.
    it's ALL good!

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  6. This post made me cry. I have always thought to myself that you are such a strong woman... and you are! You are an amazing mom and I know that you are all of those things and more to your kids. Thanks for sharing... Let me know if you ever need anything... we both know that I OWE you big!

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  7. I'm so sorry you're struggling with this, I know first hand how difficult it is, the depression/anxiety and the comparing yourself to other women. You have so many gifts (I can see that just from reading your blog and FB.) I hope you can find peace and happiness in knowing you have your own unique set of gifts and strengths!

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  8. I feel your pain. But you already know that...

    I struggled for quite a while and I don't know why it is so hard to admit it is an issue. If you ever need to talk - I am here.

    Did you get your results back yet?

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