I don't normally talk about this but today I am. I have suffered with anxiety and depression for about 5 years now. It ain't pretty. Unless you have one of these or both, you will never know what it is like. There are really no words to describe how it feels. And it sucks. Bad.
Today over at Mormon Mommy Blogs she has a post that is titled, "Depression in Motherhood." It is a very interesting post and one that I needed to read. Being a mother isn't easy and when you add something like depression and anxiety into the mix, it's really hard. There
I've been doing really well until recently. Don't worry. I know when I need to go into the doctor (thank goodness). I can tell when I'm not myself. So I went in and he gave me a higher dose and I've been doing much better.
I think we, as mothers especially, tend to feel like we have to be the perfect mother. I struggle with this a lot. I am constantly comparing myself to other moms. Mormon moms. It's hard to hear things like, "I enjoy motherhood so much and it brings me so much joy" or "I just love being home with my kids all day long. There's nothing better in the whole world!" or "you guys aren't done right? You guys are going to have another baby right?". Really? Wow, do I feel like a loser because I'm usually the first one to say that I miss working and it's the hardest job I've ever had, not to mention it's a 24/7 job. I tend to feel like a "loser mormon mom."
I have three kids and at one point thought that I would probably have another baby. I don't know if it's because I felt like "it was the thing to do" or that I was being selfish if I didn't but I have come to the realization that I want to be the best mom that I can to my kids and I can't do that if I take on more than I can handle. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. It really is but it is so hard on me not only physically but emotionally and it takes a toll on me mentally for a long time that, to me, it's not fair to my family.
Don't get me wrong. I love my kids to death but it is a sacrifice for me to be at home sometimes. I know that they need their mom at home and I think it's very important for them to have me there with them. I realize there will come a day when I will be missing all the stresses of being a mom to little ones.
I want them to grow up knowing that their mom was there emotionally for them.
I want to have a close relationship with each one of them.
I want my daughters to want to have "girls nights out" with their mom.
I want my kids to see a loving mom.
A fun mom.
A spiritual mom.
A non judgemental mom.
A caring mom.
A HAPPY MOM.