Wednesday, September 7, 2011



Why is it so hard yet so enjoyable?  It's especially hard for a control freak like myself.  I struggle and when I struggle, I struggle hard.  I try super hard to have a good attitude, put a smile on my face, but sometimes it's darn near impossible.  Apparently I'm not trying hard enough.  Why does it seem that troubles all come at once?  I wish we didn't have to struggle financially.  I wish I didn't have to work.   I wish I didn't have to work so hard at losing weight.  I wish I wasn't balding.  Yes, I really am and have been since the age of 24.  It sucks!
Sometimes I wish I could just erase everything and just start with a clean slate.  Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my husband or kids for anything, but other choices I/we made I would.  It's so easy to compare yourself to others and I hate that!  I should count my blessings that I have a family and that they love me as much as I love them, that we have a house, and that I live in an amazing country.  But, instead, I look at my neighbors and see all the moms that get to stay home with their kids.  I see all the nice cars, boats, trailors, etc.  I see the skinny moms in the neighborhood and wonder why I wasn't given those genes.  I know that's not what life is about, but sometimes it seems to be.  This isn't meant to be a pity party for me.  I promise.  I have a blog for me and writing is one of the ways that I cope.  

I realize I'm not the only one that struggles.  I know everybody has their own kinds of battles.  We're all on this ride we call life.  It's just not a fun one all the time and I want it to be.  That's where the control freak part of me comes out.  I don't like it when things are out of place, messy.  And that's how I feel my life is right now.  I want my life to go according to how I planned and it's just not.  I guess that's where the Lord comes in.  He has a plan for me.  I just don't know what it is.  And that's what is hard. 

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